I shouldn't be having these uncertainties? In the face of such a momentous decision, at least?...I don't think uncertainty is a green light.

I always vacillate between alternative interpretations, though--going to polar opposites of interpretation, as my mood unfortunately shifts in such ways as to effect me so.

At times, of late, I've felt as though I'm utterly blessed to even be able to consider this venture--let alone to have the option to undertake it. But then the light fades, and doubt starts creeping in. If so many little things prove so troubling now--periodically, yet to a great degree...what of choosing a course which intends a permanent alignment, alongside? Marry, thinking at the outset that divorce is a likely result? Sounds ludicrous, but I'm sure there are a lot of people who do it...even if mainly by virtue of ignoring their gut instincts/heart.


But what about those times when I feel so certain that it's a positively glorious course, with someone who can be seen as completely suitable...even excessively so? What about those times when I'm starry-eyed again, with dreams of forever being alongside...with utmost joy of his companionship?

What of that?

If only it weren't in such direct opposition to how I feel, while at the other end of the mood spectrum.
There, where I start dwelling on how his behaviour reflects upon his values, how his expressed ideas give light to what matters most (mostly anxious of his behaviour, though).

Over the course of my recent convalescence, I became increasingly despairing over his apparently mounting disdain regarding persistent expectation of his assistance...to the extent that, whenever I would request something to eat or drink he'd bemoan the request, putting it off until he apparently felt an adequate amount of time spent game-playing on the computer had passed as to warrant addressing someone else's needs. I tried to stop asking for things as often, because it seemed such a hassle...thus, Granny started more and more to be the one who brought me drinks and food--ofttimes (and increasingly so, per noting his lack of assistance), she'd try to bring enough to drink to get me through a while...eventually bringing enough drink to last the entire day (besides--as long as I ate once a day, all was well, so she was at least able to take care of all this within one period in time, in a day). Eventually, rather than simply getting me something to drink, he would complain that I waited to the last minute to ask--I'd started postponing my requests to a moment where he seemed somewhat available, usually coinciding either with bedtime or immediately prior to his departure...this then brought me to the point that I decided not to ask for much of anything. He'd bring me stuff when he felt inspired to do so, or when he felt like asking if I needed something. All the while, trash piled up around me...Granny tried to take dishes she'd brought me back to the kitchen, and tried to pick up the trash every few days...she even did laundry for me, so I had clean clothes. Towards the end of this period, I started envisioning parallels to how it would be should I become pregnant with him. Unlike a doting husband who would gladly, or at least quietly, fulfill his wife's wants and needs...would he at such a time also be so disdainful of the requests upon his time?...requests which would require him to move about, doing something beyond that which he merely chooses to do?

Also over this period...despite repeated requests from both myself and outright guidelines laid out by my father...he refused to maintain the cleanliness of our living spaces. I was incapable of getting about, as to return things to their rightful place...in too much pain to feel inclined to move, as movement increased the pain. Yet he blatantly ignored those requests/instructions...in fact, turning them around by being offended by insinuation that he wasn't doing as much as he should. ...repeatedly citing instances of driving me about, being an intermediary with my teacher, bringing me food or cooking...and paradoxically even claiming it noteworthy that he should (apparently go out of his way to) turn my car around in the driveway as to make it easier for me get out and later back in. As though those things, in and of themselves, were such great feats of effort, rather than the momentary tokens of thoughtfulness which they were. Finally, and at the expense of my still-healing appendage, I've set things to right around here. He still maintains that he picks up after himself, despite that a cursory glance at only his seating area reveals items carelessly left wherever they fall in the floor...including trash--despite that he's now placed a grocery bag "trash bag" beside his seat (rather than stand up to reach four/five feet to the standard size trash can in the room, because it's "too far away").

Granted, he stayed in the hospital throughout the experience--traumatic as it was...sleeping in the floor, just as to be sure that I knew he was right there with me. But, a day after he brings me home...he left town for two days. He was blatantly disgusted by mention of assistance with a bedpan, for use the first few days home...so I made do with a walker, hopping to the bathroom, increasing the already excruciating pain each time the blood rushed to the injury through pressure of its downward position and my awkward manner of "walking." Maybe I should have complained more about the pain. So, yeah...maybe I could've guilt-tripped him into doing it. But, hell, that's really not the point. I shouldn't HAVE TO manipulate my partner, beyond my already having mentioned the pain it caused to use the walker and how it would be preferable to remain stationary a few more days. But no. Cause, heck...he was outta town, anyways.
Granted, he said it was a long-standing tradition to spend his best friend's birthday with him...but, ya know, it was a bit of a slap in the face to find out that his weekend in South Carolina was more important than being there as a comfort to me in the midst of such pain and also coaching me through my fear of walking without use of one leg. I've been on my own long enough to be able to cope, and be able to pull through such things...it was just a slap in the face that my "partner" felt it was more important to be with his friend. I've yet to discuss my thoughts on these matters with him--outside of a few sidelong mentions, relayed sardonically, I haven't thought there was any point. He ignored my comments, but...I didn't stress the issue. I think actions speak much louder than words, and I think it would make me utterly sick to hear what rationale he would present for his behaviour...then, twisting and mocking..ultimately questioning/demeaning..my interpretation of things.

Damnit...I want a supportive, fully-functioning partner/companion. Not an adult-sized toddler who primarily prizes convenience, public appearance (especially regarding acts which result in self-gratification), and complete disregard for self-wellness (generally exemplified through known, unchecked indulgences--touted gladly as being known ill for health, while proclaimed to evermore remain an indulgence). He doesn't take care of himself. He doesn't want to do anything which requires effort, beyond effort expenditures which are either completely in line with his desired activities or which are both absolutely required and at the utmost end of their potential period for delay. He complains about having to do anything whatsoever which is beyond the realm of a desired self-indulgence, unless it's something which makes him sound good...which is still likely to be put-off or only half-assedly attempted/accomplished. In doing all of the above...I suppose it could be reflectively interpreted that he really doesn't have much regard for my well-being, either.

But, then again, I'm similar in a lot of ways...He's kind of a reflection of me. I just have aspirations of doing better by myself, and I'm trying to achieve them.

Additionally: Sex shouldn't be such a sore topic. It shouldn't be something avoided as though it were a dreaded event...only acceptable as a spontaneous occurrence which randomly develops in context of undisclosed circumstances which must never to be discussed. Some particulars which I have thus far become privy to: Haven't shaved? Unforgivable, in context of the bedroom--forestalls any physical intimacy. Want to talk about what's getting ready to happen, and build the tension by sharing intimate thoughts and desires?--immediately negate progression of any physical intimacy. Try to talk about things of a sexual nature, in context of other casual, if emotionally intimate, conversations?--provoke ire, attempted censure, and, unless topic is then aborted, eventually face anger.

The upsides of things:

He's intelligent, yet silly in a most charming way. This totally works, with how I am. I love being able to discuss everything under the sun (except sex, obviously) with someone who's willing to consider possibilities beyond the realm of our present knowledge...and discuss things which matter with someone who is willing to listen and respond with their own interpretation.

He's very sweet to me. He does constantly provide token gestures of affection which show thoughtfulness of me. Things like, yes, turning the car around in the driveway, cooking for us, saying and doing thoughtful, affectionate things at random--simply to make me smile. He kisses me (if not passionately, then at least with affection--we've never "made out") constantly, hugs me constantly, and reassures me of my importance to him, constantly.
He's very emotionally and mentally supportive of me, to the extent that it extends to the next domain.

He is committed to taking care of me, financially (as to provide security) and also in regards to safety. He's back in college because of the former...pursuing a doctoral degree in medicine, no less. This last is a long-standing dream he's had, yet never felt confident in, as to pursue...never before believed it a viable option. But he's doing so...reportedly foremost...as to provide for me in a way which ensures that I never want for anything (that money can buy, at least).

He has a good sense of humor, self-confidence, and a great love of people. All of which I admire him for, although I am greatly concerned that the latter-most has often proven to be extensions of help which thereby forfeit our own financial well-being. But, in all honesty, he's so completely unrestrained in his self-indulgent expenditures of money that it likely would have amounted to the same, anyways.
This last bit, I unfortunately must also admit a weakness to. I often spend to the extent that I compromise my ability to maintain any reasonable financial security (as evidenced by the unrestrained debt accrual which has taken place over course of this last year). This weakness on his part fuels my similar weakness, and vice-versa. It's very frustrating and feels a lot like being completely out of control.

And he constantly tells me he loves me. Only criticizes me (my logic, moreover) when I confront him with problems I'm having with him/the relationship...and even then, retains the ability to maintain sufficient perspective as to eventually bring humor into the equation and diffuse the tension. Without ever resolving anything, though.
He has been making more effort with helping with housework this past week, though. Cooking multiple nights and doing dishes twice.

I just don't know if it's reasonable to expect better behavior from anyone. I mean...God knows I go through my phases where I don't lift a finger unless it's to shove food in my mouth...and I'm definitely not presently exhibiting behavior which speaks of attention to physical health...nor perhaps mental health.
So, maybe it all balances out?

I really don't friggin know.
I do love him. I do want the best for us both.
I've just been in enough relationships, by this point, to know that sometimes practical matters really need to hold sway of a decision to persist.
I'm just really not sure about this situation. It seems a bit balanced, as to good and bad. And, besides, with as difficult as it is to find anyone I'm even partially compatible with...can I realistically expect any better a match?
Am I suffering under delusions of the "Prince Charming Syndrome?," precluding my full involvement and acceptance of him and our relationship based on matters which are trivial in the grand scheme of things...relying too heavily on a biased regard for such a mixture of pros and cons, whose present balance is as best as one should aspire to fulfilling?

Ya take the bad with the good?
Or should I maintain hope for finding a partner whose attributes and behavior are more in keeping with what's desired?

<<edit to make public 2/6/12>>

Yeah, partners are overrated. I just wanna be me.
So what if it would be nice to have that joy of sharing, at my disposal? I gots stuff to do, people to meet...friends whom I love to go live with. And accomplishments to undertake.

I'm so glad it's over.
I just hope the...whatever...at present resolves as easily.

...not thinking it will, to have developed without my intentions. But, whatevs. Lovin it all, regardless. ^_^